In celebration of one year of being "on-air," we at rivative would like to present you with some of our finest selections. Donations accepted. Shazzam-tacular!

Also: Thanks to Shannon Klouse from XO for helping us make the server switch!

Hi, My name is Ryan. I am in the fourth grade at St. Anne’s. I hate the bus. I usually have to stand the whole way. If I get a seat it’s next to some fat, stinky, sweaty guy who tries to give me gum and probably wants to fondle me. There are these dumb girls that ride the bus. Their names are Pigmy, Pricilla, Tuff Twinkies, Gorilla and Balloon. Balloon and Pricilla are really fat. They each take up about four hundred seats apiece.
the full tale Andie Pants by Ryan Duncan, March 2000

President Carter, a 17 year old black man from the Bronx, was finally getting his day in court. President, or Pres, as he liked to be called, had worked for the Texon Oil Company for six months when a tanker truck pulled into the station as he was adding oil to an ancient Chevy Malibu. The truck, whose driver was extremely drunk, tipped over and smashed the Malibu.

As Pres was standing in front of the hood of the Chevy Malibu (a classic from 1972), the gigantic GMC tanker, financed with an aggressive lease from today's GMC Finance Division, a Delaware corporation, caused the open hood of the Malibu to lurch forward and, "bite Mr. President Carter in the 'cubicals," as he called them, claiming they, "felt like they had been through the car crusher, and that ain't all.
the complete court transcript: Court System by Karrie Semipert, March 2000

Work is a venomous institution and guilt a debilitating emotion. I longed to eliminate them both.
hell yes, thats why we have The Great American Pastime by Christopher Curry, April 2000

PALM READER: let me give you tarot cars for ten. they’re going to tell you past present future love romance [read fast]

JULIE: what about the palm reading? the palm reading isn’t going to do that?

PALM READER: (quickly) that tells you a lot about your character and the future. get the tarot. for five more....you’ll never need another reading ever
but here, its for free: Palm Reader Part One by Julie Lee, June 2000

Tom: "Ron, these fucking gov’t 2 2/4 pencils suck ass. The lead is super brittle and the eraser doesn’t stay put!"

Ron: "You are authorized to use these other old fashioned pencils as well."
and more... Notes From The Census Bureau by Tom Vacca, July 2000


WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE AND WHY? most movies suck cuz hollywood sucks!

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOOK AND WHY? the telephone book cuz they dont leave anyone out and everyone's treated the same
A Found Bio found by Ele Roos, August 2000


The year is 2020. BILL GATES is afraid he will not get to reproduce. Scientists are working on a supersoap so he can breed. But in the meantime he stores his DNA in a neighbor dog’s testicles. He has to keep them at the right temperature.
Microdick: An Unfinished Screenplay by Steve Jobs, August 2000

1: Start in the obvious place: the mid-region. Gently slip your favorite finger inside. Gently glide your fingertip up to the top of the opening.
For Boys Only by Jeff Koyen, September 2000


Once Eagle, Katy, Julie, and myself went to this black, gay bar in downtown Atlanta on a whim, just a cure for boredom. When we got out of the car, we walked past 688 and I thought to myself, "What a bunch of lame fucks," and we strolled into Loretta's. Take into consideration that none of us are gay, but they gladly served us underage kids with a smile.
Fucked Up In The Pines by David Ferrill, October 2000


Genuerection - Gerry Go Mander - Gestalt Jones - Get Blasted- Get Off Of Me - Ghastly - Gheri Curl - Giggles the Horse - Gimme Gimme Tax Shelter - Gimpier - Gin and Chronic - Gina Gershon Gives Good Girl - Ginkgo the Clown
over 50 available names! Horse Names Starting With G by rivative, November 2000

"Hey, sweetie, want some company," she said, her surgically enhanced accoutrements bouncing off his face.

"Fuck off," he said as he got up and headed to the bathroom across an obnoxious orange carpet that reminded him of the time he saw Lou Rawls in Vegas.
according to Doyle by Christopher Curry, January 2001

• • •

Issue: March 19 - March 25, 2001

Your Office Time
BY TONY LEONARDO

Insatiable
BY SARI COLT

Doyle
BY CHRISTOPHER CURRY

** March 19, 2001: Hey we are up on a new server and coincidentally, listed in the Yahoo index as well. So there's some good news finally. Ugh. More stuff to come. Send in scans of Bible tracts if you have any. **

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